I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ladies don't puke and tell
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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