So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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