he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
