I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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