i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
