U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
