i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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