you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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