If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
