Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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