That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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