I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
