shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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