So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
