My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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