Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
