I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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