my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
