Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, beer. Big fan.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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