My Higher Power is John Stamos
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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