Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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