I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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