You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
