3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize