I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
