why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize