guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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