six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
