You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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