the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
