i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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