Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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