So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
