dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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