Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
