I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
