I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
