Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize