The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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