Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
