There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize