Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize