Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
