she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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