What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize