found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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