My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
