The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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