we have officially lost it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
