I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
