Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
