He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
