I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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