Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
