I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize