is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
