The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
