well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
