someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
two words...techno handjob
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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