I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're a disaster
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