Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
