8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
