last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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